” You will never amount to anything “
” You always screw things up “
” There you go again, failed as usual “
” You are usless “
” What DO you think you look like ”
” You are so stupid “
How often have you ever spoken to a good friend like this?
I guess it is very rarely or never.
Just take a moment to imagine speaking like that to a friend of yours in a nasty. aggressive way. Imagine what it would do to them.
How often do you speak to yourself like this?
Occasionally? Every day? A hundred times a day? With a harsh, critical tone of voice?
You don’t treat friends like that because you know it would hurt them, make them feel worse, make it harder for them to do whatever they were struggling with and because nobody deserves to be treated like that.
When you treat yourself like that it has exactly the same effect on you.
In fact it is even worse because you are saying these things in your own head and there is no escape from it. Even if you know from friends or family that you can be “hard on yourself” I guarantee that you criticise yourself far more often than you realise. Self-criticism becomes an unconscious habit that you only consciously notice a fraction of the time. It is having such a corrosive impact on your mood, motivation and capabilities before you have even noticed you are doing it. By then you are in a spiral of self-criticism again.
You are able to be compassionate to other people so you can learn to be compassionate to yourself. It takes some practice to unlearn the habits of being so hard on yourself and self-judgement.
Just imagine how different it would feel to hear a kind, loving voice in your head instead.
How much calmer, stronger, more capable and more confident you would feel without the constant nagging to undermine you.
Self-judgement often comes up for counselling clients as a major difficulty making everything worse. We will usually start by just noticing and naming what is happening and then starting to soften that harsh voice.
What is self-compassion
One of the top experts on self-compassion is Dr Kristin Neff and I have drawn on her research here.
Having compassion for yourself is just the same as having compassion for anyone else.
If you are having a difficult time or are in physical or emotional pain you don’t ignore your suffering but notice it and ask what you can do to comfort yourself. Instead of being critical and judgemental you are kind and understanding.
You may aim to make changes that could be helpful to you but that is motivated by self-care not because you are “wrong” as you are.
Importantly you are honouring the reality that you are only human; just like everyone else you will make mistakes, run into difficulties, not always succeed. Recognising that this is the nature of our human existence – for everyone – rather than fighting that reality means we are able to bring compassion to ourselves and others.
Three elements of Self-compassion
1 Self-kindness not Self-judgement
When you recognise that you and the world are not perfect you don’t need to judge yourself when things become difficult. It is just in the nature of things and so you are freed from having to judge and blame. You are freed to treat yourself how you would treat a friend – with kindness, warmth and understanding. Without that self-criticism in our heads we feel calmer, less stressed and more capable.
2 Common humanity not Isolation
When we are in difficulties and we criticise ourselves it often feels like we are alone – this is our fault, everyone else is OK, this is just me.
If you are able to see that actually we all run in to problems – emotional, physical, mental, practical – because we and the world are imperfect then you understand that everyone else also has things they are struggling with.
Then the suffering which had felt isolating becomes something that actually connects us to every human being on the planet.
3 Mindfulness not Over-identification
For self-compassion we need to have a balanced approach to our experience. Feelings and difficulties are fully acknowledged but not exaggerated. We see them as both particular to us and part of a shared human experience as we engage with them through open-minded curiosity and mindful awareness.
Mindfulness is a non-judgemental, open state of mind where we can observe and accept feelings and experiences just as they are. Paradoxically this gives the power to bear the suffering and make better choices than when we simply over-identify with them.
What Self-compassion is not
Kristin Neff identifies “”Six myths of Self-compassion” that are debunked by research on the impacts of self-compassion.
1 Self-compassion = Self-pity
In fact self-compassion allows us to accept and process difficult feelings and let them go.
2 Self-compassion = Weak
In fact self-compassion is one of the best sources of coping with difficult experiences. It needs courage to recognise real difficulties rather than pretending they don’t exist.
3 Self-compassion = Selfish
Research suggests self-compassionate people actually tend to be kinder and more supportive to others and more open to compromise.
4 Self-compassion = self-indulgent
Again research shows self-compassionate people tend towards healthier more responsible behaviours.
5 Self-compassion = making excuses
Self-compassion gives the grounded safety to admit mistakes, offer apologies and take more responsibility for your own actions.
6 Self-compassion = undermines motivation and personal standards
People justify self-criticism as a motivator but in fact it destroys confidence and leads to fear of failure. Self-compassion produces the safe, supportive environment where you can try and try again without fearing failure. Self-compassionate people actually have high standards and persist more in the face of failure.
Starting to be kinder to yourself
I would suggest some first steps. They can seem small compared with the BIG problem of constant self-criticism but they are powerful. They are also simple but not easy.
And remember this is about becoming kinder to yourself. These aren’t tasks you must achieve. So please don’t beat yourself up if you don’t transform your self-judgement in a day! You’re changing a habit you have had for years, maybe decades, so it is bound to take some practice.
1 Mindfulness.
Practicing mindfulness will help you notice more often and more quickly when you are being harsh with yourself. Once you are aware you have some choice and power; if it is still unconscious you are at its mercy. It is like a super-power that helps you see things differently.
Mindfulness has lots more benefits and you can read my guide to Mindfulness and find some great resources in my second Blog.
2 Just notice and name what you are doing.
When you catch yourself judging your behaviour, achievements, appearance, situation and so on, just notice what you are doing and name it. This creates just a little bit of separation between you and the thought or feeling.
Try and do this in a simple, curious, open-minded way – “oh, I’m judging myself again”. Try not to beat yourself up for beating yourself up! Doing it with a real, physical shrug of the shoulders makes it harder to go into harsh “I’ve failed at being kind to myself” mode!
3 Compare how you are talking to yourself with how you would talk to a friend
Just notice the words and the tone of voice you are using to yourself and that you wouldn’t do it to a friend. Try and bring to mind how you would be treating someone you love in the same situation.
Again try to do this in a kind, curious way.
Resources
Here are a couple of sites to find out more.
Dr Kristin Neff has good explanations of self-compassion, good guided meditations and some excellent writing exercises. https://self-compassion.org/
Positive Psychology has a range of practices and links. https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/#techniques
Mindfulness